Scars run deep: Emotional Abuse

Emotional Abuse is also known as mental or psychological abuse. It is one of the categories that make up for domestic and family violence (DFV) or intimate partner violence (IPV). It is a means used by the perpetrator to control their victim without causing them physical harm. This sinister long-term conditioning can influence one’s sense of identity, self-worth and confidence.

The types of emotional abuse are: verbal threats, belittling, rejection, insults, ignoring, isolating, explicit and implicit threats, exploiting, corrupting and passive-aggressive behaviour. This style of abuse could be in practice within the immediate or extended family members, intimate relationships, friendships and workplaces.

More dangerous compared to physical violence

Physical violence leaves scars/ bruises that a victim may heal from. These scars may be seen and felt, giving the victim some semblance of their reality. However, emotional scars inflicted on the victim for some time, make them feel apprehensive, confused, inferior, and even second-guess themselves. This type of abuse does not leave physical scars on the victim for them to understand, let alone reason.

Emotional abuse can make the victim feel (and become) jumpy (constantly looking over their shoulder), incapable of making decisions for themselves, isolated, withdrawn, sort out drugs and alcohol and even contemplate suicide. Emotional abuse does leave scars; the only difference is, it cannot be seen on the outside, but certainly felt on the inside. Recovery from emotional abuse is possible and may take a long time with the right support.

Who are the perpetrators?

Emotional abuse can often occur in people’s immediate circles. The perpetrator can be a family member- parent/s, sibling, uncle/s, aunt/s, and grandparent/s. In an intimate relationship, it could be a husband/ wife/ partner. It could also be a toxic friendship/s, colleague, manager, or boss at the workplace in a wider circle.

Signs of emotional abuse

There are seven ways to identify that you are being emotionally abused. They are:

• Being threatened in subtle ways: The perpetrator may threaten to hurt themselves or threaten to hurt the relationship if their demands are not met. They may make statements like

• “Don’t do this or I’ll kill myself”

• “If you don’t do this, then the consequences of it are your fault”

• The perpetrator or abuser may also convince you (the victim) into seeking help for your mental health. This is their attempt to control you and make you think that something is wrong with you.

• You are always looking over your shoulder: Your perpetrator’s moods are so erratic that you are in constant fear of when he/she would lose their temper, become controlling or abusive. This can make you feel as though you are ‘walking on eggshells’- unable to relax, your anxiety is high or you are in perpetual panic mode.

• Using humour to belittle you: In this method of abuse, the perpetrator puts you down in front of others such as family, friends, peers, colleagues; and makes you feel small. If you challenge it in front of others, he would brush it aside, claiming that what was said was a joke. However, once you are alone, the abuser may threaten you not to shame them in public again. This may result in you not speaking up and in turn questioning your judgements.

• Emotional roll-a-coaster: You may experience an emotional roll-a-coaster- from believing ‘if this is your reality’, to ‘if the abusive relationship is your fault’ and ‘if it will ever end’. Some victims are unable to safely leave abusive relationships due to the unpredictable nature of the relationship. This may make you feel as though the relationship is ‘not all that bad’ and this behaviour is normal. It is not.

• Isolation: The perpetrator, being jealous and controlling, will work towards isolating you from your support group. And they will do this consistently for some time. The intention is to single you out and make you rely only on them for support and finances. Your support group may consist of your loved ones, friends and colleagues.

• You are treated as inferior: You are made to feel unimportant and your views, opinions and thoughts are not considered equal or valid. This may resonate with ‘being treated like a child’; wherein you are shamed on responsibilities such as managing a household, finances, children and your life. The perpetrator intends to diminish your self-worth, which leads to you having low or no confidence in yourself.

• You feel boxed in: You feel trapped in the relationship and cannot leave. You may feel as though you cannot live without your perpetrator- let alone survive. You may also have thoughts of ‘what will the society think?’, ‘what will my family think?’ Feeling shame and fear in the decisions you may take are the results of the emotional abuse you have endured at the hands of your perpetrator.

Some of the common symptoms in victims of emotional abuse are:

• Low self-esteem

• Crying uncontrollably

• Self-blame

• Constantly apologizing

• Low self-respect

• Dialogues such as

'It's all my fault'

'You deserve better

'I don't deserve anything good'

• Unable to see self as the victim

• Unable to stand up for self

• Being fearful

• Constant headaches

• Anxiety

• Depression

• PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

Steps to take to support someone who is emotionally abused

• If you recognise a friend/ colleague/ family member showing signs of emotional abuse, then please approach the topic with much care.

• Usually, most victims would not recognise that they are being emotionally abused as there are no scars to see. In such cases, the responsibility would be to educate them on the topic with sensitivity and to give them the time and space to comprehend the information given. Once they process the information, suggest therapy or couples counselling for the couple. It may not be what they choose, but it is always good for them to know of their options.

• Please be mindful of being supportive without any judgements. They may take decisions that you may not be okay with. And that is okay. It is their choice to make. They only need the reassurance that you would support them.

Emotional abuse strips the victim of their power and rights. They are made to feel small and insignificant. And as there is a rainbow after every storm, there is hope for those who were/ are emotionally abused. There is hope. There is help. Therapy helps.

This country is waking up to the stigma attached to mental health. Talking about your experiences (your thoughts and feelings) in a safe space without judgement or prejudice helps. And that is what therapy offers. You are urged to reach out and seek help from licensed psychotherapists, like me. You are no longer bound to the toxic relationships in your life. Give yourself the permission to break free!

#emotionalabuse #saynotodomesticviolence #therapy #reclaimyourpower