Kindness

Kindness. This word has been used so often…at least in the last year or so. Covid- 19 has instrumentally impacted each one our lives- in some shape or form. If I had to pick on anything good that has come out from this invisible force of nature, it would be this- the awareness around mental health. The highlighted importance on mental wellbeing symbolised how much we stigmatised mental health- at least in India.

As a psychotherapist, shedding light on mental wellbeing was/is a welcome change. One that we desperately need. Most articles we read related to mental health, has kindness mentioned in. “Be kind to yourself”, “treat yourself with kindness”… are some phrases/ sentences that we may read. But what is kindness? How would you describe it? What does it look like? Okay, too many questions. Let’s break this down.

Almost all of my clients have heard me say: ‘treat yourself the way you would treat your best friend or someone who you love unconditionally’. What this means is, you are not harsh with your best friend/ the person you love when you talk to them or sit with them in difficult situations. Breaking this down further- we are critical (or extremely critical) of ourselves; our actions/ choices/ what we say, etc. But we exercise compassion with others in a same situation or similar life event. Why? Maybe, because we are groomed to be ‘a certain way’? Or we grew up learning that being hard on ourselves will push us to be better versions of ourselves? Whatever the reason may be, one obvious thing is that we know how to empathize with others; how to be compassionate- how to be kind!

To show kindness towards ourselves or practice self- compassion would mean to be gentle on yourself. The first step is to learn to accept you for the person that you are- the good, the bad and the ugly. We all strive to achieve our impression of perfection. For example, our self – talk could be “If I only lose this amount of weight, I would look perfect”, “I need to only achieve this, and my life would be perfect”, etc. Have you asked yourself who set this standard of expectation for you? How did it come to be? None of us are perfect! Perfection is a huge misconception created by social media to push each one of us to achieve unattainable standards. Again, we are letting an intangible force control us.

Being kind on yourself would mean that you let go of the idea of perfection and embrace you for who you are. The world will still revolve if you don’t complete a task by the end of the day, choose you or family over work, or even put your needs first. Accept that you are human- that you need to create your own path, write your own story and that you are also quite capable of making mistakes. Okay. Take a breath. We all make mistakes. That’s because none of us are perfect! See what I did there?!? Okay, back to serious business.

Kindness is not weakness. Read that again. Being gentle and picking yourself up with care every time you fall down is the most significant of being kind to yourself. It is a positive behaviour characteristic that helps you grow into a better version of yourself. Every time you give yourself permission to treat yourself with kindness, you build resilience. This also means that kindness and resilience will help unlearn ingrained negative behaviour patterns and create new positive habits. Practising kindness or act of expressing graciousness can change our lenses on how we see our world. Instead of seeing a situation from a negative perspective, we start to see the positive/ opportunistic side.

So, how can one practice kindness? What would that look like? There are different ways that we can practice kindness and they are-

• Forgiving often- as I’ve mentioned before, we can be our worst critics; a.k.a. we hardly do anything right and blame ourselves often (inclusive of other people’s mistakes). When we get caught up in this cycle of self-blame, pause and think about how you would react if your best friend or loved one was in a similar situation. Respond to yourself the way you would respond to them. Being kind towards yourself requires you to forgive yourself for the mistakes that you have made.

Remember to recognise, understand and absorb what learning you can take away from the situation, so the situation would not repeat itself for you.

• Taking care of your physical health- As it reads, this would mean that you put yourself first. Burning yourself out for a job/ a person who does not value you is not healthy. Choose you! This would mean to incorporate a healthy routine- eat healthy meals (try not to skip any), keep yourself hydrated (we highly recommend water!), 8 hours of sleep (try, getting 7 is also okay!) and exercise (walk, run, aerobics, yoga, etc.). Limit your intake of junk food. We are not saying avoid; we all have cravings. Be mindful of what you eat.

• Nourish and treat yourself- This might seem similar to the earlier point, but it isn’t. When you complete any task, including what you consider as menial ones, reward and congratulate yourself. Treat yourself to a healthy meal by taking the time to cook one or order in. This not only treats your soul but you are also nourishing yourself physically. Do something nice and healthy for yourself. It could be that you might like to go out, catch up with friends for coffee, or watch a movie; whatever you choose, make healthy choices! Or if you have had a long hard day, be kind and do something that would cheer you up (maybe staying in and catching up on your favourite shows, enjoying a glass of wine, catching up with loved ones online, etc.).

• Being kind to yourself can include very simple and small things that can cheer you up. Especially after a day’s work, you would want to unwind, rather than jump to the next task. Some of my clients like to spend some time with their pets, listen to their favourite music, and some want to light up candles or buy flowers. Whatever can cheer you up, you do that (as long as it’s safe for you!).

• Be curious about how you are feeling- By this, I mean be attuned to how you are feeling. It is the best way to check in with yourself. Asking questions like, “What’s happening?” “Why are you feeling this way?” “What can you do to make it better?” will help you navigate through difficult feelings and situations. It is also an excellent way to recognise and understand your triggers. Again, remember to treat yourself the way you would treat your best friend or a loved one. If you are feeling any negative emotions, then ask yourself why and what can be done to bring you out of that mood. Remember to please indulge in healthy habits that would get you out of your slump and not to indulge in alcohol, drugs and other negative habits.

• Surround yourself with people who support and encourage you. This one is so important. We can surround ourselves with people who think their ‘brutal honesty’ can bring out the best in us. Wrong! It only breaks us down further. For our mental health and wellbeing, we need to surround ourselves with people who are healthy for us (emotionally and mentally). We don’t need too many people. You only need to have a few people who will support and encourage you to reach your goal to be a better version of yourself.

• Stop tolerating what/ who don’t serve you well- and by that we mean cutting ties of what (and who) no longer brings you joy in life. This could be a person, an idea or a thing. It’s okay to walk away from that which brings you down.

• Treat yourself to a self- care day- Another hot phrase in mental health awareness is self- care. It simply translates to caring for yourself, which is a healthy practice. So, a self- care day is a day that is all about being present with yourself and enjoying the little things with more appreciation. There are many ways of caring for yourself that won’t cost you a lot of money. Almost all of the tools are already (or mostly) at your disposal in your home. Some examples to that would be-

o Meditate- make time for yourself to practice meditation.

o Try body massage.

o Some people like to try the spa. Book a session or create a ‘spa- day’ at home.

o Soaking your feet in warm water with Epsom salts. This really help!

o Take time to rest and recharge. One day in a week, take time to disconnect from everything and focus that time and effort on you.

o Plan a day/ weekend trip (either by yourself or with friends)

The list can go on. We encourage you to indulge in activities that bring you peace and joy. Try and stay away from any electronic gadgets when you indulge in self- care. You don’t need the distraction.

Other things that we encourage you to do on a daily basis to reinforce kindness are to-

o Stand up for yourself.

o Respect yourself. Because if you don’t, others will imitate the same.

o Remind yourself of your good qualities.

o Remind yourself that you are enough.

o Speak kindly to yourself.

o Give yourself a regular reality check- we all have hopes and dreams. Some are achievable, while others aren’t. And that’s okay. Check- in with yourself about your hopes and dreams and strive to achieve those that are within your grasp. And accept that which is out of your reach.

o Stop trying to be perfect. There is literally NO ONE who is perfect. Other than nature of course!

o Believe in yourself. Believe that you can do things. Believe in your capabilities.

o Accept you for who you are!

Last but not the least, seek therapy. It is the BEST way to care for your mental wellbeing. If you are new to therapy, don’t worry. You can schedule a session or book a free consultation with me by emailing me at info@sharonuthappa.com. Please do not ignore your mental wellbeing.